Relapse to Realization.

*This is going to be kind of long.* 🙈

As you may know, I came to the realization over Labor Day weekend 2016 that I cannot drink anymore for medical reasons. For some time it was a battle. I stopped working and some days my entire focus was on staying sober. What you may not know (or maybe you do) is that I probably should have been on medication all this whole time, my whole adult life.

Like so many others, I drank so hard as a way to self-medicate. I believe I have undiagnosed anxiety issues. Misdiagnosed in my teenage years as bipolar. Wrongly medicated then, which is why I resisted meds for so long since. I had a drinking-related ER visit last summer. I finally followed up with my doctor in the spring. Long story short, I had an anxiety attack while I was there. They gave me some meds to try for my anxiety.

By the time summer came, things were very different, in all the best ways. The meds are so great for me. I don’t even care about drinking, as long as I stay away from it. I still cringe to go to the grocery store, past all the booze. Especially now with the gift boxes for Christmas. It really sucks that its such a part of society. Anyway… by the time summer came, I ran out of the three month’s prescriptions. I didn’t know what to do, so I just didn’t do anything. I felt like I was strong enough after ten months sober to try going off the meds. BAD IDEA.

My home is rather unique, and easy to party in. Summer means pool parties or lazy nights on the patio listening to the woods behind the house. I relapsed. After ten months. The disappointment on my husband’s face (again) was so hard. Not only that, the shame I felt because I sometimes tried to hype myself up as Ms. Sober. I had to swallow my pride and start over. I went back on my meds.

I turned 40 in August, and had a mostly fabulous trip to St. Pete Beach, Florida. Our future home. We took my best female friend and her mom with. Awesome times. One of my meds is once a day. The other is three times a day. Early on in the trip, I slacked on the second medication. I took it in the AM with the other but not the two doses the rest of the day. That caught up to me on Day Three. I wasted much of it crying on my balcony, wishing I could drink. I realized then that these meds are actually working miracles. I am truly thankful that I have found something and not bouncing medication to medication. I hate to talk about this because of the stigma attached, and also because again I am swallowing my pride. For so long I bucked medication because I was on the wrong medications. A few people have told me to not feel bad being on meds, that it’s a tool in a toolbox, so why not.

Fully full disclosure, I chose to have one drink, a martini, on the last night of our trip. I wanted one LAST drink, to salute our trip, my 30s, my 40s, and my little family that I have in my life away from my hometown. I thought long and hard about it, and prayed a lot. I asked for the strength for one and done. Not just that night, but the next day when we went back home and all the days after. One last drink. I did it, and so far I’m still successful. I wouldn’t have done it if I was in a bad mindset. I wanted to on my birthday but I knew it would have not been good. That was August 27, so at the time of this writing I am officially back over three months again now. I do take my meds faithfully. It took a relapse and a could have been another relapse to realize I am someone who benefits from mental health meds. Sometimes meditation, stones, positive thinking, etc. just aren’t enough.

Speaking of stones, being on the meds helps block the obsessive drinking thoughts, and allows me to focus on my true self. My most inner self and what makes me happy. I have founded my own company. My own brand, based on the name of this blog. By the Indigo Moon, LLC. Official. I already have orders, domestic and international. I never thought I could be an international jewelry designer. My intentions for my company are to make crystal healing bracelets for people, to help people heal with Reiki (I am a Reiki Master), to help people learn about crystal healing and astrology, and to help give them guidance and support via Tarot, Oracles, and just being awesome with memes. You can find me on social media at:

Facebook: By the Indigo Moon, LLC

Instagram: bytheindigomoonllc

FB group: By the Indigo Sun… This name is slightly different because it’s a closed group. I don’t want to take a chance of someone accidentally putting sensitive info on the public business page instead of the closed private group for discussion.

Thank you for reading. A long time, sober, friend of mine suggested it is my duty to talk about my relapse. So I write this for her. I write this for anyone who thinks they are strong enough to go back to casual drinking. If you can, good for you. I can’t. Maybe me telling my story helps someone realize they too cannot, and I can save them from the shame of relapse. It took me a relapse to realize.

If you like my works and would like to support, I have a PayPal.

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Feeling Free

I have been studying astrology for over five years now. I was sure to use my time as noted on my certificate and learned as much as I could about that chart. I came to identify so strongly with it…. for the most part. As I wrote yesterday, I have decided to test a theory. What if I were actually born four minutes earlier?

This gives a new chart. Not much changes, but a couple things change in a big way. The more I look into the changes, the stronger I identify with this new chart. This new persona. Being Pisces Rising, maybe I really do have the heart of a mermaid. 

I was living a conflicted life, which got even more conflicting the more I learned astrology. Maybe I knew deep inside I’m not Aries Rising. Since I changed the time in my Astro account and began to identify with this chart, I feel myself opening up and feeling free like never before. Just in time for Leo Season, my favorite. 😉

Four Minutes.

I officially did it… I overrode the time on my birth certificate and changed the time in my Astro account to reflect a time 4 minutes sooner. I did this after a lot of reflecting and soul searching. It is a huge deal, because it changes my angles.

The time on my certificate gives me Aries rising 1°45 and Cap MC 0°53. I resonated to the Aries but not the Capricorn. Aries is the ruler of the decans of my Sun/Saturn in Leo and Moon/Neptune in Sagittarius. Easy to feel an Aries influence. But I associate MC in Capricorn to be someone who has goals and ambitions. I never really have had any. 

The new time gives me Pisces rising 29°56 and Sagittarius MC 29°58. I easily resonate to the Sag MC because of the fluidity of ambition. You would think it would be easy to know if I were Pisces rising instead. But I have Moon/Neptune in exact conjunction, with Neptune being stationed. So that is a huge Pisces influence, even if I were truly Aries rising. I am both fire dominant and mutable dominant, without even factoring the ASC.

I read what it means to have Pisces rising. It rang so true. Source after source. I went back and re-read Aries rising, which I have identified with for over five years. I realize it may not be so true, after all.

So let this be a lesson to not assume your time if you want full accuracy. Even if your time is noted on your certificate, if something feels off chances are it could very well be. You know yourself best, and when it’s right you will know. I feel this is right.

I am working on verifying this new time via progressions and however else I can. If the time noted on the certificate ends up verifying, I will eat crow and report back. 😂😂

The Personal Horoscopes

The word ‘horoscope’ can mean a lot of things, but it all seems to mean the same thing. How can we expect the day/week/month/year to be. If you’re reading this, chances are you’ve at least looked at one in a newspaper or magazine before. But what if it doesn’t seem to make sense for you? It is generalized. Taking 12 signs basically groups us in general, taking only one object into account with the current skies.

To get the best possible horoscope for yourself, the individual, we need your location and time of birth, in addition to the date. Why is time important? You know there are 12 days a year when the Sun changes signs. I was born on one of them. Four hours later I would have a different Sun sign. The Moon changes signs every 2.5 days. For example, there is a big difference between Cancer Moon and Leo Moon. Time matters.

The biggest reason time matters is the Ascendant, or rising sign. This changes every two hours! The Ascendant is where the chart begins, the 1st house. I have an astro-twin friend, meaning we were born the exact same day, about 9 hours apart. We share Sun and all the planetary placements. Her Moon is only 5° away, but in transits that matters. The big difference of our charts is she has Scorpio rising. She was born midday when her Leo Sun was high in the sky. I am Aries rising. I was born right after sunset. This places her Sun in the 10th house, where mine is in the 6th. There are many, many things different about us, but we still are similar in some ways. What resonates for her may not for me, and vice versa. Time definitely matters.

When you have your chart made with the time included, there are a few ways to look at a horoscope for yourself. You. Not the other millions of Leos or whichever Sun sign. The Solar Return looks at the moment the Sun Returns to the natal position of your chart. It can be the day before, day of, or day after your birthday. You can look at this chart independently, and also compare it to your natal or progressed charts to see what kind of year you can expect. You can play with dates to see the years before.

To condense it down to monthly instead, you can make a Lunar Return chart. This looks at the position of the Moon each month when it Returns to your natal position. (This will end up being different from my friend’s.)

This is my upcoming Lunar Return, to be exact a little over three hours from the time of this writing. The almost-full moon is coming into its orb, the degrees of difference between two aspects. 11th house Moon here in this chart, so perhaps my 11th house themes of friends and network will be highlighted. Sun and Mars in the 6th, active month. Supportive of starting my business. Pluto in the 1st maybe there will be a fundamental transformation. Jupiter at his station point in the 9th. Fuel for expansion in my 9th house themes. Mercury in the 5th suggests my communication will be expressed creatively. Venus on the IC maybe I will work to make the things close to my heart more beautiful. And you gotta love a Capricorn Ascendant when you need to handle business.

Like I said, I can apply this also to my natal and progressed charts for further insights, like a typical transit chart. That would be a whole ‘nother post, so maybe it’s better to leave off here. Thank you for reading. 💚