*This is going to be kind of long.* 🙈
As you may know, I came to the realization over Labor Day weekend 2016 that I cannot drink anymore for medical reasons. For some time it was a battle. I stopped working and some days my entire focus was on staying sober. What you may not know (or maybe you do) is that I probably should have been on medication all this whole time, my whole adult life.
Like so many others, I drank so hard as a way to self-medicate. I believe I have undiagnosed anxiety issues. Misdiagnosed in my teenage years as bipolar. Wrongly medicated then, which is why I resisted meds for so long since. I had a drinking-related ER visit last summer. I finally followed up with my doctor in the spring. Long story short, I had an anxiety attack while I was there. They gave me some meds to try for my anxiety.
By the time summer came, things were very different, in all the best ways. The meds are so great for me. I don’t even care about drinking, as long as I stay away from it. I still cringe to go to the grocery store, past all the booze. Especially now with the gift boxes for Christmas. It really sucks that its such a part of society. Anyway… by the time summer came, I ran out of the three month’s prescriptions. I didn’t know what to do, so I just didn’t do anything. I felt like I was strong enough after ten months sober to try going off the meds. BAD IDEA.
My home is rather unique, and easy to party in. Summer means pool parties or lazy nights on the patio listening to the woods behind the house. I relapsed. After ten months. The disappointment on my husband’s face (again) was so hard. Not only that, the shame I felt because I sometimes tried to hype myself up as Ms. Sober. I had to swallow my pride and start over. I went back on my meds.
I turned 40 in August, and had a mostly fabulous trip to St. Pete Beach, Florida. Our future home. We took my best female friend and her mom with. Awesome times. One of my meds is once a day. The other is three times a day. Early on in the trip, I slacked on the second medication. I took it in the AM with the other but not the two doses the rest of the day. That caught up to me on Day Three. I wasted much of it crying on my balcony, wishing I could drink. I realized then that these meds are actually working miracles. I am truly thankful that I have found something and not bouncing medication to medication. I hate to talk about this because of the stigma attached, and also because again I am swallowing my pride. For so long I bucked medication because I was on the wrong medications. A few people have told me to not feel bad being on meds, that it’s a tool in a toolbox, so why not.
Fully full disclosure, I chose to have one drink, a martini, on the last night of our trip. I wanted one LAST drink, to salute our trip, my 30s, my 40s, and my little family that I have in my life away from my hometown. I thought long and hard about it, and prayed a lot. I asked for the strength for one and done. Not just that night, but the next day when we went back home and all the days after. One last drink. I did it, and so far I’m still successful. I wouldn’t have done it if I was in a bad mindset. I wanted to on my birthday but I knew it would have not been good. That was August 27, so at the time of this writing I am officially back over three months again now. I do take my meds faithfully. It took a relapse and a could have been another relapse to realize I am someone who benefits from mental health meds. Sometimes meditation, stones, positive thinking, etc. just aren’t enough.
Speaking of stones, being on the meds helps block the obsessive drinking thoughts, and allows me to focus on my true self. My most inner self and what makes me happy. I have founded my own company. My own brand, based on the name of this blog. By the Indigo Moon, LLC. Official. I already have orders, domestic and international. I never thought I could be an international jewelry designer. My intentions for my company are to make crystal healing bracelets for people, to help people heal with Reiki (I am a Reiki Master), to help people learn about crystal healing and astrology, and to help give them guidance and support via Tarot, Oracles, and just being awesome with memes. You can find me on social media at:
Facebook: By the Indigo Moon, LLC
FB group: By the Indigo Sun… This name is slightly different because it’s a closed group. I don’t want to take a chance of someone accidentally putting sensitive info on the public business page instead of the closed private group for discussion.
Thank you for reading. A long time, sober, friend of mine suggested it is my duty to talk about my relapse. So I write this for her. I write this for anyone who thinks they are strong enough to go back to casual drinking. If you can, good for you. I can’t. Maybe me telling my story helps someone realize they too cannot, and I can save them from the shame of relapse. It took me a relapse to realize.
If you like my works and would like to support, I have a PayPal.