Relapse to Realization.

*This is going to be kind of long.* πŸ™ˆ

As you may know, I came to the realization over Labor Day weekend 2016 that I cannot drink anymore for medical reasons. For some time it was a battle. I stopped working and some days my entire focus was on staying sober. What you may not know (or maybe you do) is that I probably should have been on medication all this whole time, my whole adult life.

Like so many others, I drank so hard as a way to self-medicate. I believe I have undiagnosed anxiety issues. Misdiagnosed in my teenage years as bipolar. Wrongly medicated then, which is why I resisted meds for so long since. I had a drinking-related ER visit last summer. I finally followed up with my doctor in the spring. Long story short, I had an anxiety attack while I was there. They gave me some meds to try for my anxiety.

By the time summer came, things were very different, in all the best ways. The meds are so great for me. I don’t even care about drinking, as long as I stay away from it. I still cringe to go to the grocery store, past all the booze. Especially now with the gift boxes for Christmas. It really sucks that its such a part of society. Anyway… by the time summer came, I ran out of the three month’s prescriptions. I didn’t know what to do, so I just didn’t do anything. I felt like I was strong enough after ten months sober to try going off the meds. BAD IDEA.

My home is rather unique, and easy to party in. Summer means pool parties or lazy nights on the patio listening to the woods behind the house. I relapsed. After ten months. The disappointment on my husband’s face (again) was so hard. Not only that, the shame I felt because I sometimes tried to hype myself up as Ms. Sober. I had to swallow my pride and start over. I went back on my meds.

I turned 40 in August, and had a mostly fabulous trip to St. Pete Beach, Florida. Our future home. We took my best female friend and her mom with. Awesome times. One of my meds is once a day. The other is three times a day. Early on in the trip, I slacked on the second medication. I took it in the AM with the other but not the two doses the rest of the day. That caught up to me on Day Three. I wasted much of it crying on my balcony, wishing I could drink. I realized then that these meds are actually working miracles. I am truly thankful that I have found something and not bouncing medication to medication. I hate to talk about this because of the stigma attached, and also because again I am swallowing my pride. For so long I bucked medication because I was on the wrong medications. A few people have told me to not feel bad being on meds, that it’s a tool in a toolbox, so why not.

Fully full disclosure, I chose to have one drink, a martini, on the last night of our trip. I wanted one LAST drink, to salute our trip, my 30s, my 40s, and my little family that I have in my life away from my hometown. I thought long and hard about it, and prayed a lot. I asked for the strength for one and done. Not just that night, but the next day when we went back home and all the days after. One last drink. I did it, and so far I’m still successful. I wouldn’t have done it if I was in a bad mindset. I wanted to on my birthday but I knew it would have not been good. That was August 27, so at the time of this writing I am officially back over three months again now. I do take my meds faithfully. It took a relapse and a could have been another relapse to realize I am someone who benefits from mental health meds. Sometimes meditation, stones, positive thinking, etc. just aren’t enough.

Speaking of stones, being on the meds helps block the obsessive drinking thoughts, and allows me to focus on my true self. My most inner self and what makes me happy. I have founded my own company. My own brand, based on the name of this blog. By the Indigo Moon, LLC. Official. I already have orders, domestic and international. I never thought I could be an international jewelry designer. My intentions for my company are to make crystal healing bracelets for people, to help people heal with Reiki (I am a Reiki Master), to help people learn about crystal healing and astrology, and to help give them guidance and support via Tarot, Oracles, and just being awesome with memes. You can find me on social media at:

Facebook: By the Indigo Moon, LLC

Instagram: bytheindigomoonllc

FB group: By the Indigo Sun… This name is slightly different because it’s a closed group. I don’t want to take a chance of someone accidentally putting sensitive info on the public business page instead of the closed private group for discussion.

Thank you for reading. A long time, sober, friend of mine suggested it is my duty to talk about my relapse. So I write this for her. I write this for anyone who thinks they are strong enough to go back to casual drinking. If you can, good for you. I can’t. Maybe me telling my story helps someone realize they too cannot, and I can save them from the shame of relapse. It took me a relapse to realize.

If you like my works and would like to support, I have a PayPal.


Selenite: Spiritual Awakening

It is so weird out there right now, and this is so needed. As I have said before, I try to take my Oracles very serious. I won’t post something until my energy is at a certain level within myself. I need to feel centered and able to focus entirely. I know the messages aren’t just for me. They are meant for all of us. But much like a translator, I need to understand what’s going on before I try to speak up.

That said, I actually pulled the top Selenite card last week Friday. I got caught up in errands and never came back to center really until now. Meanwhile, I pulled a second card Saturday. I was going to attempt a combo reading, but I pulled Selenite from that deck too! I got all kinds of flustered for direction. A page I follow often does pulls for followers. She pulled Selenite from her deck yesterday for me. That is three days in a row!!!!

In the hours since the third card was drawn, #MeToo has become a thing. Like many, I am taken by how many voices I have heard! And it is not just ladies. Guys as well.

Selenite energy is truly needed, maybe now more than ever. Spiritual Awakening. We are truly one. I am so touched by how many have reached out to me or otherwise shown support. Not just for me. For each other. People helping people. Guys and gals. Friends… Family. I can almost guarantee you that many of who are touched by #MeToo have been affected by their own blood. Or step/blended families. Those who are supposed to fight FOR us. But we find that those truly in our corner often times are not of your blood or sometimes even your race. This is a global thing.

We ALL need healing of some form. Maybe yours wasn’t sexual. Emotional neglect and/or abuse is another monster so common. So many forms. Maybe you are lucky in the sense that your difficulties came later in life, as an adult more able to face challenges. No doubt you need some form of comfort and support, also.

Selenite is perhaps my favorite stone. I love others, but this one works to balance and cleanse all the chakras. There are other stones that do, as well, but really I think out of those only Selenite and Kyanite cleanse themselves. They disperse the energies instead of accumulating them and needing work to clear later.

In the ancient world, Selenite protected against “wanderings of the mind.” It invokes mental clarity and divine inspiration. Allow the medicine of this powerful light-saver of universal energy to send the energy into your Crown Chakra, to bathe your aura in the loving healing energy of the cosmos, to clear away the old and to make way for new vibrant energies and a deeper spiritual connection. πŸ’š

Tarot Tutor: II – The High Priestess

II – The High Priestess/The Princess of Ixchel

The High Priestess is all about intuition. When she appears, it is time to go within. Be patient as hidden secrets can be revealed. Spirituality is heavily associated with this card. She typically wears a crucifix on her neck and some kind of Goddess headdress, most likely Isis inspired. Normally the card will feature two pillars, perhaps one darker than the other. This signifies the need to find balance. Darkness/light. Masculine/feminine. Peace/severity. It can be a time of creativity, of creating yourself. Opening to spirituality or a time of learning.

The Black Widow spider is the Animal Totem of The High Priestess. He lives a recluse life, active more at night. He minds his own web and just lives his own Divine life. The High Priestess is in tune with the Moon and Moonstone. The Divine Feminine. It can note a fertile time, whether a pregnancy or a project.

The people born with the Life Path number 2 fall under the watch of The High Priestess. They are creative, independent, and self-resourceful. Balance and harmony are extremely important to them. They are very perceptive to vibes.

If your Growth Symbol this year is #2 The High Priestess, this is a year of finding out who is who. It is advised to not marry in this year, as this will be a year of strong independence. You will find you have little tolerance for restrictions of any kind. It is possible to create a new identity this year, as balance and harmony become so important. You may find yourself withdrawing from disharmonious environments and people. πŸ’š


Tarot Tutor: I – The Magician

I – The Magician/The Shaman

The Magician makes magic happen. The main keyword for The Magician is manifestation. Other words are energy, creativity, support, and communication. The Law of Attraction is very much associated with this card. He reminds us to believe in ourselves, and we can be the master of our own destiny.

All of the elements, Earth/Air/Fire/Water, are incorporated into this card somehow. Pentacles/Cups/Swords/Wands. Some representation of elements, to enhance the message that we have all we need to reach our full potential for all of eternity, as symbolized by the Figure 8 often found.

The Magician is associated with the planet Mercury. The astrological themes of Mercury and the 3rd house are consistently applied here. Communication/short trips/errands/commutes. When you see this card, you are encouraged to take action, as Mercury is our fastest-moving planet. You should be aware of the motives of other people, but communication, especially channelled, will be strong and effective. The Magician is seen as the master of time/space/cosmic energy. Mind over matter.

The Fox is the Animal Totem of The Magician. In the winter, food can be scarce. But the Fox stays still and listens… then pounces in an instant through the snow and captures his prey. He reminds us there is magic in the unseen. Labradorite will help to shield your aura. Placing it at your sacral chakra can magically boost your energy.

The Magician represents those whose Life Path number is 1. These people have very strong communication skills, and are likely to find jobs utilizing them in forms of media and publications, teaching, counseling, etc. What they say and what they do are often in lock step. They are known to have artful timing and clarity of speech. πŸ’š


Tarot Tutor: 0 – The Fool

0 – The Fool/The Mad Minstrel

The Fool card is the first card of the deck, where it all begins. The main keyword(s) is New Beginning, or maybe a new journey. It could be seen as an ending, but only for the new beginning to come. Transforming, re-incarnating, starting over are all words associated with The Fool.

The Fool is consistently seen as a single (wo)man. A free spirit, with no regard for past/present/future. The principle of courage. Willing to leap into the unknown and start fresh. Always the student, never the master. Often times The Fool has a small bag of some kind, to suggest we have all we need for this journey. Perhaps a white rose is innocence symbolized, to say that intentions are pure. Some cards do include a companion of sorts. A dog, or a dolphin. Something steadfast and loyal, like our Spirit Guides. A blind trust; listen to your intuition.

The Fool is associated with the planet Uranus for the spontaneity factor. An unexpected opportunity could arise. Tourmaline will help keep you grounded and protected for this new adventure.

The Grasshopper is the Animal Totem for The Fool. The grasshopper uses his antennae as receptors of information so he can adjust his movements on the fly. When The Fool comes to you, look before you leap, then go with the flow. Take the proverbial leap of faith and follow your dreams.

Because the number 0 is not possible as a Life Path number, The Fool represents the number 22. The person with the Life Path number 22 needs variety in life. They are highly creative and very courageous. They appear fearless even when they may actually be pretty scared. Smart people, who may be drawn to mystical studies. They have an infectious sense of adventure and courage, and are filled with wonder and anticipation. πŸ’š


Time for Tarot!


0-The FoolI-The MagicianII-The High Priestess

I have been interested in Tarot for some time. Like any other interest of mine, I have been teaching myself little by little. A lot of course is vibes-based, or an intuition thing, but there are some consistencies.

Over time I will be writing about each card. I want to take the time here to credit my sources. πŸ’š

A Puerto Rican Soul…

I am not quite like Rachel Dolezal, the woman who famously fronted to be black and received NAACP status. However, I can almost relate to her. I am considered to be a white girl. American. Caucasian. Whatever. I am very well aware and not in denial. I do embrace fully who and what I am. I do not pretend to be Latina for any reason. I know I was born in the United States, a product of two ‘white’ people.

Those two white people were stationed together at the now-defunct Roosevelt Roads Naval Base in Puerto Rico. I was conceived in late November. My mother stayed on the Island until June before I was born in August. This means I spent much of my time in utero in Puerto Rico.

I am convinced this has had an effect on me. A very obvious effect, my entire life. I may have been born in an area where there are all four seasons, but I am not and never will be “used to it.” I carry earmuffs sometimes nine months out of the year because I am that sensitive to cold. I have always been obsessed with Island Life and Latin America. I have always been naturally drawn to the Spanish language and am very good with it. People sometimes ask if I am Argentinian because my accent isn’t of the typical American speaking Spanish.

I realized at one point a couple years ago that it literally calms my soul to be immersed in the Spanish language. This makes me wonder… Could it be said that I have a Latina soul? I have asked Spirit (God) to clarify at times. I received my confirmation this morning.

I woke up out of the blue at one point, like many of us do overnight. I looked at my phone not for time or for social media purposes, but to check the radar. Hurricane MarΓ­a had been expected to make landfall in Puerto Rico in the overnight hours. This is a captured image taken around the time I woke up…

I pray for my Motherland, and for its people. I will be actively sending Reiki to them. If you are attuned, I ask that you do the same. And of course for so many other places that mean so much to so many. It has been rough out there lately. πŸ’š

The Day I Defied Death, Twice

This day may as well be my new birthday. It was on this date in two different years of my life that I defied death.

July 24, 2002. I would classify this as a Near-Death Experience. Long story short, I was with my ex-boyfriend at the time. He choked me in an argument, and I lost consciousness. I did not see light or anything like that, not that I remember. But what I do remember is blackness, with my Self-talk saying I have to get back to my best friend. “I gotta get back to Tani,” just over and over until it did lighten up as I fully regained consciousness. I was re-born that day, as I realized I do have true purpose in this world. That I am important to my best friend and he needed me back by his side.

July 24, 2016. Completely different experience. Completely different life. But anxiety likely related to that past relationship had grown and taken its toll. I lost my way, and kind of drifted along. Tani is still very much my best friend, but he has grown into himself now. I also have importance to my niece, but she is far away too, as Tani is. I was lost in the bottle. Binge drinking for 6+ years.

This day was the last day of my last mega-binge. I drank a lot over the last 2-3 days. I did work my bartending shifts, but my self-care lacked. I didn’t eat much, and I didn’t stop for water breaks during my busy shifts. So I basically was drinking coffee or alcohol. Straight.

As I closed my shift that Saturday night, I took one shot and went home. I was doing laundry that night, but I also had a bottle of apple vodka in the laundry room. I would take a shot, or a second one, as I flipped the loads. Next thing you know, I am passed out on the floor of my dining room bar.

I took a nap and powered up for our traditional Sunday Fundays at our pool. I realized I actually drank about half that bottle in about 3-4 hours the night before. The shot glass was actually more like 2-2.5 shots. But in my mind, “it was only one.”

What felt like a normal hangover eventually proved to be much worse. I went to the ER days later to find all kinds of internal damage. I have had a few drinking episodes since, a total of five, and I now realize that I cannot drink ever again because it aggravates the damage done back then.

I was re-born into someone who (obviously) cannot drink, but can help others find their way, be it via learning their birth chart, finding stones that resonate, making pretty things, Reiki, giving Tarot/Oracle readings…. Or maybe just being awesome. It is Leo Season, after all.

In the End…. Synchronicity

You may think this is a cheap play on Chester Bennington’s suicide, but let me assure you it is NOT. It is a play on a blog post I wrote over two years ago.

The last time I was in my car before the news of Chester broke, this song came on. I reflected back on what this song means to me. It is the one of two songs that have ever made me cry straight away, based on substance as opposed to memory. (I’m pretty sentimental.)

I was in Dallas, Texas with my ex, up to no good. We got in a fight, a pretty bad one. At one point he was standing over me with a commercial-sized fire extinguisher, flinching me. Threatening to smash my face. I pushed his buttons, but our friend intervened and separated us. I was in the bedroom listening to the radio and this new Linkin Park song came on, In the End. I was frozen. It was like I could predict the next words because it resonated so strong.

I write about this, because symbolism is everything for me. Some would say I am ridiculous for the extent, but I am not trying to fit in a mold anymore. Time to shine. Shine my light for others, even if it means a dark topic about my ex. I was conflicted for so long, but now it is clear.

The symbolism here is that today of all days is when Chester chose to go. To him and others it is Chris Cornell’s birthday. While I loved Chris too, today is something even more significant for me. It is the 15th anniversary of the day that I chose to work one last shift at my beloved job with my bestie, then head out into uncharted waters. I drove to Mexico, to learn a whole lot of life lessons. In the coming weeks alone I would have transmission issues,  a Near-Death Experience, and ended up homeless on a beach in Cancun because I had no money for a hotel yet.

This symbolism speaks to me that I DO need to write about my ex, and anything else I feel could relate for someone somewhere. Not everyone is going to vibe with what I am doing, but that’s okay.

Feeling Free

I have been studying astrology for over five years now. I was sure to use my time as noted on my certificate and learned as much as I could about that chart. I came to identify so strongly with it…. for the most part. As I wrote yesterday, I have decided to test a theory. What if I were actually born four minutes earlier?

This gives a new chart. Not much changes, but a couple things change in a big way. The more I look into the changes, the stronger I identify with this new chart. This new persona. Being Pisces Rising, maybe I really do have the heart of a mermaid. 

I was living a conflicted life, which got even more conflicting the more I learned astrology. Maybe I knew deep inside I’m not Aries Rising. Since I changed the time in my Astro account and began to identify with this chart, I feel myself opening up and feeling free like never before. Just in time for Leo Season, my favorite. πŸ˜‰